Cupfuls of Sanity
The disruption at my door may not have been staged
I welcomed it nonetheless with gratitude
I think I have a chance for today
As I look out, helplessly inebriated by the morning light
I meditate on clever rain drops falling magnanimously into my head
Decide to console the birds, lonely trees
the smog
Before I go in to wake up my love
Time folds over stitched without seams I can find
Trying, searching and holding on terribly
safely flags, frightens the timid untouchables
We’re in slow motion sped up kaleidoscope dreams
A life without madness, foreign
Whimsical imagery to our child imaginations
sit and wonder a dream a size
too great
To comprehend
In the uncertainty of chaos
I wake up, live each day, fall asleep aside
A love that is constant and true
Now I know why;
This is why.
The scales do have a way of balancing out
We absorb each other
I soak up each word, movement, sound
Moment we design
Raise cupfuls of sanity to my mouth
Safety is in a gurney in the back of an ambulance
I was frightened the other day
when I tried to remember the last time that I felt safe
It occurred to me how oddly appropriate it was
that it was in my drug induced
sleep deprived, manic state
on top of a gurney
in the back of a siren roaring ambulence.
Once I took the oxygen tubes out from my nose
and got myself settled
I decided I was quite comfortable
if I could just stay there I would be okay
nothing could ever happen to me or
break through those tightly sealed doors.
I enjoyed watching the city pass in front of me
backwards
through the little square window of glass
I was floating
maybe it was speeding through all the lights
backwards
or the IV bag pumping the hydration back into my body
but it was wonderful.
I had a nice conversation with the paramedic
who coincidentally attended the same high school that I did
I was flirting
mostly trying to convince him I wasn’t crazy
I think he bought
or at least pretended to
which was kind.
Now I lie awake and fantasize
knowing sweet comfort is only a phone call
three short numbers
and a thirteen hundred dollar bill away
Each time I measure the cost, is it worth it?
Well, better hold off, I don’t think I’m really dying.
I drift off and dream of gooey heart moniters
and cool liquids
injected through my veins.
I see pieces of you everywhere
I hear echos
and find scraps in my car
on my kitchen table, cupboard
in my purse.
I bought you a harmonica in San Francisco
We’d laughed together about wanting one
but I couldn’t even look at you last night
It is inevitable the damage done
when you left me weeping on your steps
vacancy filled
you cannot come in in this utmost time of need
Kind of like
when you left me sick and bloody
vommiting in the gutter.
my mysterious night at the house
with the college boys and the striper pole
open bar and ceilings with mirrors
Control yourself
your speed
direction
itinerary of defining the laws of nature together
get a hold on your self
you’re weak and a wreck
gain the courage to quit
there is a limit
you believe you will know it when you get there
my dear, that’s a risky bet that you’ve got things riding on
Control yourself
you are needy
it will never be enough
you want out
as you plan and re-plan
fold the map up and refold restart again
imagine the number scale will atone
for its wrongs
Can’t slow down
and then you freeze when they both call at once
caressing the heart ego sweetly
You chase what you wont let go of
Stuck and stubborn and stupid and scared
test the limits
dare the line.
Control yourself
Your expectations of yourself.
from 2008
Electric trash cans
banging like the white rain’s heat
pounding clouds in my walls
explosive rhythm of your breathing
carried it away
took it all from me
The only thing left was a hurricane
pick up shake shake and rattle
what’s some more
cracked ribs
the cracking limbs
sand paper leaves
cornered
choose to afford
the mint breeze poison pear
clinking ice and sheets
as the hot cheap books prop up the short leg of the table
but no not steady
tumbling children’s blocks
shaky hands
gasping paper bags
gush thump drip ooze
fall
sink
drown.
fucked.
Think bigger and try it on for size
These positive whims come less often
And fizzle out faster than I can plead
For a little bit longer, just some kindness
Don’t you understand?
I am immune for now
To the pain which we suffer
The failures, the losses, death, and poor health surrounding
I am told I have an easy choice
That is constantly mine to make
But say I can sacrifice my body and mind
Spare fear, sadness and reliving my shortcomings
Well the terms and conditions, fine black print
Have me constantly making a decision and
Reverting to the other back again
Sometimes I want what is right
Sometimes I want what is easy
Sometimes it’s too close to tell
I close my eyes and see which side I land on
Hope I can make it work
Start to sort and untangle my muddled mind
Distractions
Pick something
and focus on it
hard
Muster all of your energy
and obsess
dwell
no it’s not consuming you
You are consuming it
day and night
in your sleep, dreams
Fill your thoughts
Fill your day
conversations
no matter how small or insignificant
meaningless
or how much it isolates you
pushes others away
The point is, you see
Your mind is kept busy
Directed cleverly away
from the shit that is your life
to thrilling games
and rousing challenges.
A good one is money, for example
become a workaholic
or a gambling addict
Try winning contests obsessively
Or if you really want to go for it
try reducing your body mass
by eating 200 calories per day
Whichever you choose
focus hard
and forget about work
school
family
friends
and any life you had to begin with
but hey I guess that was the point, wasn’t it
poetry ED eating disorder addictionBetsey Johnson?
I’m trying find money any way I can for an upcoming trip my boyfriend and I are taking…that has resulted in me selling a bunch of my shit on ebay. So if anyone likes betsey johnson, feel free..
It’s expected as your doubt
see the lights have lost their effect now
empty cans upon cans
are your choices collected
5 cents a piece for recycled refund
Empty your head into insufficient words
smoke clouds you blow out
The rhythm of nonsense insessantly
drills deeper into your skull
It is a pointless search to find it
Everything is of no use to us now
Let us sort and place things carefully
in color coded bins and labeled boxes
ship them out
It’s just that nothing will be
as it always was
when it tries to compete
Measure to the correct amount
then you find you’re leveled out
need a stronger dose to get you up
We keep wanting more when it’s already too much
Assume the worst and don’t try
Now ask why we tap tap and shake
effects will blind you but only last for so long
until you’re out of breathe
then you pick up,
start again
4 cans of red bull in less than 12 hours + 4:00am = I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING WINGS, that’s for sure.
someone please kill me fuck goddammitmy dog just winked at me
then he started licking his penis
TOTALLY ruining whatever special moment and connection I felt we were having
